Best American Stuff

Last year I picked up a book called The Best American Nonrequired Reading. It's edited by Dave Eggers and is a compilation of short stories, fragments of stories, transcripts, screenplays, television scripts, and a lot more stuff like that taken from many different sources. A new edition is put out every year. Here are a couple of lists included in the 2006 edition that I have:

Best American Fake Headlines
From The Onion

1. U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year after Seeing a Partially Exposed Breast on TV
2. Doctor Unable to Hide His Excitement from Patient with Ultra-Rare Disease
3. Breathalyzer Big Hit at Cop Party
4. Hilary Duff's Number One Fan Tasered
5. Latest Bin Laden Videotape Wishes America a "Crappy Valentine's Day"
6. Cocky Pope-Hopeful Ready to Make Some Changes Around Vatican
7. Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse of Real Micheal Jackson
8. Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity with New "Intelligent Falling" Theory
9. Fritolaysia Cuts off Chiplomatic Relations with Snakistan
10. CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years
11. Bush to Appoint Someone to Be in Charge of Country
12. Rest of U2 Perfectly Fine with Africans Starving
13. Bush Braces as Cindy Sheehan's Other Son Drowns in New Orleans
14. Area Baby Doesn't Have Any Friends
15. Google Announces Plan to Destroy All Information It Can't Index
16. Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus to Supreme Court
17. Activist Judge Cancels Christmas
18. Cases of Glitter Lung on the Rise among Elementary School Art Teachers
19. ESPN Courts Female Viewers with "World's Emotionally Strongest Man" Competition
20. Bob Marley Rises from Grave to Free Frat Boys from Bonds of Oppression
21. 133 Dead as Delta Cancels Flight in Midair
22. U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy
23. Rove Implicated in Santa Identity Leak
24. Chicago's Shedd Aquarium Admits Panda Exhibit a Ghastly Mistake
25. Blacks, Whites Put Differences Aside, Work Together to Make Better Burger
26. Study: Watching Fewer Than Four Hours of TV a Day Impairs Ability to Ridicule Pop Culture
27. Protest One Person Short of Success
28. 180 Trillion Leisure Hours Lost to Work in 2004
29. Bloodless Coup a Real Letdown
30. "Tony's Law" Would Require Marijuana Users to Inform Interested Neighbors
31. America Still Searching for Funniest Home Video
32. Cost of Living Now Outweighs Benefits
33. Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances of Getting Laid Abroad
34. Scientology Losing Ground to New Fictionology
35. Bush Challenges America to Produce the Perfect Romantic Comedy by 2009
36. Date Disastrously Bypasses Physical Intimacy, Goes Straight to Emotional Intimacy
37. Bush Vows to Eliminate U.S. Dependence on Oil by 4920
38. Police Search of Backpack Yields Explosive Bestseller
39. Genie Grants Scalia Strict-Constructionist Interpretation of Wish
40. Report: 92 Percent of Souls in Hell There on Drug Charges
41. Philandering String Theorist Can Explain Everything
42. NASA Chief under Fire for Personal Shuttle Use
43. Terrorist Has No Idea What to Do with All This Plutonium
44. Mythbusters Team Struck Down by Zeus


Best American Things to Know about Chuck Norris
From Chuck Norris Facts (www.chucknorrisfacts.com)

1. Chuck Norris created the hole in the ozone layer "to get a better look at the sun."
2. When Chuck Norris claps, the lights always turn on. Even if he doesn't have a Clapper.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity--twice.
5. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' s beard. There is only another fist.
6. Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
7. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
8. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with this teeth and boils the water with his rage.
9. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world who can actually e-mail a roundhouse kick.
10. Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
11. Chuck Norris once rode a nine-foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash instead of taking a shower.
12. Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.